You may not remember me, but I hope you do, because I certainly remember you. When we were young I knew you as a friend and mentor, someone who showed me a part of who I would like to become. It’s been many years since we parted, but I still find myself reminiscing from time to time. I wonder how you are doing, and what you would think of the mess I’ve gotten myself into.
I’m sorry, but I can’t directly tell you who I am. The position I’m now in requires a certain decorum that if adhered to properly might rob my words of their honesty. If you remember me as I remember you, then perhaps my identity will be obvious. If not, please bear with me. I need someone to share with, even if you can’t share in return.
Sadie, I’ve found myself in a position of great responsibility and authority. Through some conflux of fate I have taken on the position as a leader of men. In this role, people look up to me, they ask me for advice. I do what I can and say what comes, but I never know if what I say is the right thing, or what I do makes any difference. I feel like I’ve lost the ability to see ahead of myself, and now all I can do is stumble from one emergency to the next, laying on my hands and hoping for the best.
If I were still a girl, I would go to my parents for advice. But in much the same way that my new position of authority was thrust upon me, I feel that my father and mother have been thrust away. They are physically close to me, I could walk down the hall and see them if I wished. But my parents, my father especially, have stood back from me as I take on my new responsibilities. I know it is because my father trusts me and does not want to impose on my decision making. They both tell me they are proud of me. All I want is for them to tell me what to do.
There is more that has changed Sadie, and even now I can barely stand to recall it. My brother is dead, taken from me. I would not be where I am now if it hadn’t been for his guidance, and without him I don’t know what to do next. I want to carry on where he left off, I want to honor his wishes and make real his dreams. But how do you honor someone else’s dreams without giving up on your own? Can I even remember my own dreams?
My dreams once led me to follow in my father’s footsteps and become a woman of the cloth. I am a cleric now Sadie, a full cleric of Erastil’s church. I have responsibilities, not just to Erastil, but to any who would honor him. I have been blessed in so many ways by Erastil, and yet I still feel conflicted as to what he wants from me. Should I be his servant taming the wilds, or his steward to a young population? Should I fight his enemies or defend his people? Is my place on the tip of his arrow or the hand behind the bow? I can not decide.
I would not want you to think that all my life concerns such weighty decisions. There is much joy in my life, laughter and happiness. There are suitors who compete for my affections and friends who give light to my days. There are children here, and families, and oh so much promise. There is a kind of hope here that is new to the world. It fills me and carries me through even the worst of times.
But I am confused Sadie…and I am alone. I have no one I can share my doubts with, for to share them would undermine the very institution that I am in charge of creating. I can not be weak now, not when so much depends on me. But sometimes I think that I’m the wrong person to bear such responsibility. I’m afraid I may break under its weight and bring down the whole church on top of me.
Sadly, I do not know if I can send this letter to you. Even if I knew where you were or how to ensure its safe delivery, I would not want to burden you with my many complaints. Maybe I just needed to get some things off my chest, even if it was only to see the words on paper. I think this letter will go under my bed, perhaps so that I can laugh at it sometime in the future. Every moment seems so dire when you are the one living it. Maybe I only needed the perspective reflection can give.
If so, let me close with this: You were a good friend to me Sadie, a mentor and a guide. You showed me what it was to dream.
I miss you,